2012 in Review
Our Celebrate Recovery is approaching a very important milestone - our one year anniversary! It seems only fitting that we take a look at our first year and take a moment to reflect and thank God for bringing us all to this place in our lives.
This past year has been highlighted with much change. I am not typically a person who really enjoys change, but through the grace of God, I am more comfortable with facing the curveballs that life sends us - I know that with God's help, we can do anything!
Our newly formed Celebrate Recovery seemed to mirror many of the changes that my personal life was taking. 2012 started with finding myself surrounded by family and friends, and 2012 seems to be ending in a similar way. I am engulfed by friends and a "forever family" of fellow believers, whom, like myself, are recovering from life's hurts, habits and hang-ups.
I started 2012 shaking in my shoes - filled with fear. All kinds of fear - fear of failure, fear of being consumed, fear, fear, fear. I was almost too afraid TO start, then too afraid to NOT start. I have a friend in recovery who has poked fun (but also pointed out the truth) at "Princess Much Afraid." Today I am SO very grateful to have people in my life to help keep me pointed in the right direction, assisting me to see through my selfish denial and help me grow closer in my relationship with Jesus Christ. There was a time when "Princess Much Afraid" would have run crying in the other direction, quitting at the first sign of hardship or heartache. In the past I would see hardship as an indicator that I needed to do something else, but today I can see that sometimes the purpose in the pain is how much closer I become to God, and how much more I come to rely only on Him.
I really think one of the toughest lessons I have learned this past year is the hard truth that when you start standing up for Christ, then there will be opposition. I know that I was told this in the beginning of CR, but my expectations and what the truth really is are on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. That being said, I know that I could not have made it without the love and support of my "forever family."
I used to think that if I was living my life for Christ, if He was the number one priority in my life, then I would never, ever, ever have heartache. There would be no hurt feelings, no loss of jobs, no loss of friendships, no medical problems, no sickness, no pain. How misguided I was! I have no idea where or when I started believing those ridiculous false teachings, but I must confess that I lived in this delusion for years. This delusion caused me to draw away from God because when bad things happened, my selfish ego found it convenient to blame God for these hardships or painful experiences. Thankfully God has brought me to a whole new place, He has given me new eyes and ears, a new understanding of just how wrong my earlier beliefs were. God has brought me so far from where I once was, and mercifully, He isn't finished with me yet. I am happy, yes, I am over-joyed, to say that today I understand that bad, un-fun, sometimes hurtful things may happen - no, these hardships WILL happen to those I love and to me. The truth is simple... we live in a fallen world. We live in a world where sometimes it seems only the way to get by is through cheating and lies - that rules were made to be bent and broken. We live in a world where the enemy is stalking us, seeking us, never giving up on the hope that we may fall prey to these lies. Our world is imperfect, but it is through Jesus Christ that we have hope in an otherwise hopeless situation.
But here's another truth that I have learned: as long as I ask for God's help EVERY SINGLE DAY, asking God's will for my life, then He saves me from my bondage of people-pleasing and perfectionism, my anxious life of worry, anger, resentments and regret. As long as I continue seeking Him, I am given the daily reward of joy, peace and serenity.
I have learned that a spiritual way of life is a paradox. The more I am willing to give up of my self, the more I rely on God, then the more peace, love, joy, happiness I have. And just one more thing... I have learned that I've gotta give it away to keep it. My spiritual cup is only refilled by emptying out myself through serving others.
I am looking forward to 2013. My plan is to continue following God where He leads me, one day at a time. I look forward to continuing on this journey with my "forever family."
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Tough Love
The concept and practice of "tough love" goes against every maternal instinct I have. Tough love tears my heart out and beats it up, battering and bruising it to the point of becoming an emotional mess.
My definition of "tough love" is allowing a person whom you love with all your heart, body and soul to experience the consequences of their behavior. Tough love to me is when your 17 year old gets his wallet, phone and sunglasses stolen because of a poor choice on his part, I don't immediately replace all the lost or stolen items. Tough love is, "hey that sucks, but from now on you'll remember to keep up with your stuff better and not leave them unattended in the open at an amusement park." And life goes on, him without a wallet, a phone and sunglasses until he can afford to replace them.
The neurotic, perfectionist mother in me wants my child to be happy first and foremost. She wants to love, have warm fuzzy moments and nurture my children. This perfectionist mother knows that because I have told my children not to do something, then they intuitively know right from wrong just because Mommy-dearest said so, and my children will live in a buffered, hurt-free space because of the awesome superhero mother that I am. What a truckload of denial that is! Believe it or not, that is exactly where my perfectionist brain will try to go if I do not seek God's will through daily prayer and reading God's word.
Today I wish tough love was just my 17 year old not having a phone or wallet. I wish it was so simple. But today, tough love is much, much more difficult.
Today we had to make the difficult decision to not enable one of our children to continue to make poor choices - dangerous choices that lead to paths of despair, hopelessness and death. The decision we made as parents causes me to surrender the luxury of instant gratification. It is my hope that through our surrender that one day our child will see it as an action to save a life, even if it hurts some now.
I am writing this because I live a transparent life. Hopefully, a life without secrets, a life without delusion. My human nature wants to tell you that everything is just peachy. My superhero mother wants to tell you that I protect my children from everything and our life is only sunshine and rainbows. The true, imperfect person will honestly tell you that I am hurting today. My imperfect self will tell you that I am scared of this decision. But, today, I am stepping out on faith, relying on God to take care of this situation, to take care of my child, to take care of me.
Tough love reminds me that God loves my child more than I ever possibly could. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He can and will take care of him. My part is allowing God to take care of us, without interfering. Sometimes that is so hard, but I know that God's will and plan is much better than anything I can do, so my plan is to let God be the almighty, the all powerful God that He is.
My definition of "tough love" is allowing a person whom you love with all your heart, body and soul to experience the consequences of their behavior. Tough love to me is when your 17 year old gets his wallet, phone and sunglasses stolen because of a poor choice on his part, I don't immediately replace all the lost or stolen items. Tough love is, "hey that sucks, but from now on you'll remember to keep up with your stuff better and not leave them unattended in the open at an amusement park." And life goes on, him without a wallet, a phone and sunglasses until he can afford to replace them.
The neurotic, perfectionist mother in me wants my child to be happy first and foremost. She wants to love, have warm fuzzy moments and nurture my children. This perfectionist mother knows that because I have told my children not to do something, then they intuitively know right from wrong just because Mommy-dearest said so, and my children will live in a buffered, hurt-free space because of the awesome superhero mother that I am. What a truckload of denial that is! Believe it or not, that is exactly where my perfectionist brain will try to go if I do not seek God's will through daily prayer and reading God's word.
Today I wish tough love was just my 17 year old not having a phone or wallet. I wish it was so simple. But today, tough love is much, much more difficult.
Today we had to make the difficult decision to not enable one of our children to continue to make poor choices - dangerous choices that lead to paths of despair, hopelessness and death. The decision we made as parents causes me to surrender the luxury of instant gratification. It is my hope that through our surrender that one day our child will see it as an action to save a life, even if it hurts some now.
I am writing this because I live a transparent life. Hopefully, a life without secrets, a life without delusion. My human nature wants to tell you that everything is just peachy. My superhero mother wants to tell you that I protect my children from everything and our life is only sunshine and rainbows. The true, imperfect person will honestly tell you that I am hurting today. My imperfect self will tell you that I am scared of this decision. But, today, I am stepping out on faith, relying on God to take care of this situation, to take care of my child, to take care of me.
Tough love reminds me that God loves my child more than I ever possibly could. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He can and will take care of him. My part is allowing God to take care of us, without interfering. Sometimes that is so hard, but I know that God's will and plan is much better than anything I can do, so my plan is to let God be the almighty, the all powerful God that He is.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Enough
He said "I just want to be enough. Why am I never enough? You fill your life with everything else - your job, everyone else, and I always come last."
So, she made him first in her life. She surrendered to him, to their marriage, to their love. She made him first. She made him her top priority, with the expectation that she was his top priority. That she was enough for him.
Then, she said, "I just want to be enough. Why am I not enough? I want to be your lover. Why is it not enough that you only look at me for sexual fulfillment? Why does there have to be images and videos of other people? What is wrong with ME?"
She makes a decision to lose weight, become more "aesthetically pleasing" to his eye, which is why he said he enjoyed looking at other women's "erotic photos." She must not quit. She can do this.
But, still, the question remains, will she ever be enough? She gave him her heart, her mind, her soul, her body... If it's not enough now, when she becomes aesthetically pleasing to his eye, then, will she FINALLY be enough? Was she EVER enough? Is she just lying to herself that she CAN be enough? Does he WANT her to be enough, like he is now ENOUGH for her?
Summer Blog post #9
A cooking disaster...
My biggest cooking disasters have to do with my failure to set the timer & ultimately burning what ever I was cooking. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened :(
My biggest cooking disasters have to do with my failure to set the timer & ultimately burning what ever I was cooking. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened :(
Summer Blog Post #8
What is my guilty pleasure?
It would have to be reading romance novels... Although I am no longer reading them because my husband told me that he felt as if he was being compared to the person in the books. I definitely do not want him to feel that way!!!
My other guilty pleasure? Not sure...
It would have to be reading romance novels... Although I am no longer reading them because my husband told me that he felt as if he was being compared to the person in the books. I definitely do not want him to feel that way!!!
My other guilty pleasure? Not sure...
Summer Blog Post #6
A nickname you have & why...
This one is easy! I've never had a nickname. Not sure why, but never had a special name.
This one is easy! I've never had a nickname. Not sure why, but never had a special name.
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